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Destiny of Harmony
4 5pages Still Writing Adventure Fantasy
Hylian Dragoon
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The world of Carlono has been in an eternal state of warfare ever since the dawn of the Melarans and Shiloaens, humans who can control the forces of Yin and Yang.  Their constant quarreling has brought misery to all, including a young teen named Keaneth Arteq.  This boy, however, discovers another threat as a result of the war.  Will he and his friends put an end to it and bring peace?
 
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Hylian Dragoon

I'd like as much feedback as possible. I'm not sure how often I'll be able to keep updating this work, but considering that it's summer, I'll try to do weekly updates as consistently as possible. Anyway, I present a small taste of the story I've been working on for years now. I'll take any feedback you guys have, however I'd prefer if you guys kept it respectful and constructive (I'm a bit on the sensitive side in all honesty. XD) I hope you guys enjoy this regardless. Commenttri1
06/25 18:29 Love It 0

lilaclily00

Hello, sir! Guess who it iiis?~

I think the final draft for this chap came out great! I especially love the part where our heroes are talking during lunch. (Ugh. You make me so grateful that people don't spit in my food.) I feel like it shows a lot about the characters right there.

If I may, can I say the speech patterns sometimes confuse me a bit? There's some parts where it seems rather casual for the tone of the scene (like Anguis when he's ordering Zare around) and then others where it seems a bit more formal (like the kids saying "indeed" when otherwise they're pretty much talking like normal teenagers). Of course, how any of them talk don't exactly have to match up entirely with how we 'Muricans talk, but I figured that it's something you could keep in mind.

Aaah! Since I was being a butt yesterday, I haven't gotten to see any of the second chapter, but I'm super excited and nervous about how it'll go! (NO, ANGUIS, LEAVE LILLIAN ALONE!!!)

Until next chap! :3 Commenttri1
06/26 20:44 Love It 1

Kyotsu Shou

A great story even though there are only two chapters out! I enjoy the personalities of the characters so far. You've made out Anguis to be a disgustingly great antagonist!

The only criticism I have is with some of the wording and grammar uses, for example where you have Keaneth's name being introduced but other than the very slight grammar errors I enjoy it! I hope you continue to improve as an author and I look forward to more chapters coming out soon! I'm rooting for you! c:
Commenttri1
08/06 08:56 Love It 1

lilaclily00

Okay, finally back to comment about Ch. 2! (Yeah, took me long enough... The spacing apparently doesn't work in these comments, so I'm gonna try to use actual spaces to keep my paragraphs more separate? I hope it doesn't look stupid.)



I gotta say, Anguis's little spiel about all the slaves being lower than dirt and that they need to suffer and stuff... Like, I outright shuddered. DANG, he's intense.



I don't know if I've presented the question to you... When was it that Lillian realized her dad was completely immoral and messed up and stuff? And does she ever worry about ending up being a little like him? Like, she surely doesn't think she'd get nowhere near his level of evil, but... do little things ever happen that she's like "Crap, I got that from him!" or "That sounded a little too much like Dad...", etc.? Not that I want to completely ruin her self-esteem, but Lillian totally fascinates me (I promise it's not just because of her name XD) and I know, if I was in her position, that would be a thought that would often keep me up at night.



I've already fallen in love with the characters by this second chapter (like, I wanna hug every single one of them). Even Wedge, who I was kinda whatever about at first; now he strikes me as a more muscular Lie Ren, and I'm like "YES, BE THERE ALL SILENT YET SUPPORTIVE AND AWESOME!" And I think the dialogue flows really well in this chapter. It feels natural (and kills me inside at parts like when Keaneth called Lillian "friend" like you do to me and I was like "NO STOP DON'T DO THIS TO ME AH LILLIAN! ;-;") Commenttri1
03/23 01:01 Love It 0

lilaclily00

(continued) The descriptions for scenery and the Aerovelator and healing are *A-OK sign* (though I was like "GROSS" when Keaneth felt the bones in his nose go back in place), and the reveal of some of Keaneth's past and circumstances = FEELS (though I think it would benefit from being slowed down a little more, put in a wee bit more detail to really make people's hearts ache).


Lastly, I really wanna know what Zare's thinking. Memory isn't serving me well right now of if that was already revealed before or will be, and I WANNA KNOW, CAN YOU SHOW ME- ...That was Tarzan, oops.


So yeah, advice is mostly putting in a little more time to ruminate in the feels for Keaneth's situation, and... perhaps spell out how people feel in the narrative less when the dialogue already gives the sense of their emotions quite well? That's pretty much it. Peace out! :3 Commenttri1
03/23 01:01 Love It 0
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